He's a Mustache Machine!

*This is an Essay from “This Week in Dude” which is an online dudesletter located at http://www.thisweekindude.com/

He’s a Mustache Machine!

He shaves it off. It reappears above his lips two days later. Some call this a blessing. He regards it as a curse.

This upper lip follicle factory has been in constant “eager beaver” production mode since shortly after his 13th birthday. Since this time, he has been irresistible to both women and pedophilic freight handlers alike.

“At first [when growing mustaches] I thoroughly enjoyed the attention... but now, it’s out of hand... how in the hell can I get out of the limelight, especially when one half of my mustache and glasses disguise is easily recognizable?”

That is just a microcosm of the hell that Luke Langley has to deal with on a daily basis.

When TWID first found out about this man and his mustache growing ability, one word came to the minds of our staff almost unanimously... “Awesome.” It wasn’t until we talked to Luke Langley, that we truly learned that heavy is the face that wears the mustache.

“Honestly, it just sucks. I go to a professional sporting event, and within minutes of sitting down, I’m noticed on ‘fan cam’... My ‘stache gets blown up on the jumbotron, and people graciously applaud... Truth be told... I hate the attention and I hate the scrutiny.”

Well Luke, why don’t you just shave it off? “Because in 48 hours, it has completely grown back.”

What an unbelievable life Luke leads.


Luke reported to us that he has spent an estimated $26,000 on razor blades over the course of the last 3 years. “That’s nearly one-third of my taxable income,” he says.

But what about all the attention he gets from women? “It’s great at first, but within weeks I realize that they were only dating me to get to my mustache... have you ever delivered flowers to the doorstep of a woman whom you thought loved you, but she ended up slamming the door in your face because you were clean shaven? It’s happened to me... It has happened to me.”

Those words resonated deeply with us. However, we too were hypnotized by this man’s brilliant mustache, and could not gather much more substance from the interview. A lot was said when we sat down with Luke, but little was actually recorded.

After the conclusion of the interview, we were left with a mixed bag of emotions. A part of TWID really wanted to reach out and just give Luke a hug. The remaining majority of us though, had a strong inkling to exploit this mustachioed maverick into the cash cow that he truly is.  We began to think... If we could truly harness that mustache, the cashflow would be immense. Within weeks we could make Luke an icon. We could envision him becoming a Playgirl centerfold. We could foresee him being the new Hormel Chili spokesperson. His potential, in our minds at least, appeared limitless, and we were ready to take full advantage of Luke and his natural talent, regardless of how the mustachioed Mr. Langley truly felt.



All of this brings us back to a common theme prevalent in Society today. Do we merely use talented people for their talents? Do we truly appreciate them for who they are, or do we whore them out for the service they provide? We’re not really sure there is a good answer to any of these questions. Then again, we really haven’t been able to think too clearly ever since we saw that dazzling ‘stache.

Deep Space Case

You are hurtling through space at speeds of about 650,000 MPH*.

*Let’s assume that this is not only not impossible, but also safely attainable.

You have been selected as part of a government program dedicated to ‘deep space exploration.’  The way you were selected was as ironic as it was random.  For the purposes of constructing this wildly sci-fi hypothetical, let’s say that you actually volunteered to do this.  However, you weren’t 100 percent aware of the decision you made at the moment you made it.  And let's also throw the subject of astrophysics off to the side completely.

The last time you changed your address, you applied for a new driver’s license.  It was pretty simple, just filling out a few forms, proving your residency, nothing special.  Except when you attempted to fill out the section to elect whether or not you wished to donate your organs and tissues, there was another inquiry option available which was titled “participate in government exploration initiative.”  You read up on this in the brief summary that followed the inquiry box.  The summary basically said that if deep space travel were ever to be viable, and deemed safe by the appropriate agencies within the government of the United States, that you would be willing to donate your “time” to Science.

Of course, you thought this was absurd, but you also thought it would be really funny to show your friends your new ID with a funny looking “Deep Space Donor” logo right beneath your picture.

Well, what you did not know, is that rocket science had progressed faster than you ever thought it would, and it was also much more advanced than you thought it was to begin with.

A couple years after you made this decision in jest, you are approached at your doorstep by federal agents.  Believe it or not, you’re going into space, buddy!*


*Let’s further assume that you of course go through the following emotional progression:  disbelief, shock, denial, stupor, skepticism, and then grief.  For sake of brevity, let’s cut to the part where you finally are being sent into space.

The agents tell you that you have 6 weeks until you are required to start your 8 week training course prior to your departure from Earth.  They also lay out rule number 1.

Rule Number 1.  You may choose up to 6 people to accompany you for the rest of your/their lives.

Who do you choose?  What is your ‘pitch’ going to be when you are trying to convince up to 6 people to spend the rest of their lives with you in a pod travelling at 650,000 MPH into the vastness of outer space?  Do you rely on a PowerPoint slide presentation?  What ratio of women to men do you choose?  How desperate will you get if nearly everyone says no? Knowing that you are not allowed to bring pets for some strange reason, does that exacerbate your anxiety?  Answering all of these questions in just six weeks time will be an extremely tough task.  How much of this time will you devote to pondering?  This will be the most important decision in your life.  It will also be one of the few decisions in which your decision is ultimately final.  After you make this decision there is NO going back.  In space and in time, you will only be able to go forward.

When pitching to your ‘select six,’ do you tell them about Rule #2?  OR… do you do all of this… alone?

Rule Number 2.  During your 8 week training course, you are joined by a NASA design team.  Within safety constraints, you can make your space pod as big and as luxurious as you want it.  You are allowed as many design collaborators as you want, and as aforementioned, you have 8 weeks to come up with the design.  The only drawbacks are that your living quarters must be able to achieve the speeds needed to travel deep into space, and that it must be safe.  However, you are allowed as many iterations of your design as feasible in that 8 week period.

A lot of hypothetical conclusions will need to be pole-vaulted to here.  Basically, you’re probably going to have a space pod similar in size to a nice upper-middle class family’s home.  Except you are also probably going to have beyond state-of-the-art technology available to you.  Keep in mind that you’ll probably want to make sure the amenities you choose are durable and useful.  Remember, you and your entourage will probably be living in space for about 65 years, and there is not really any repairs or upgrades that can be made to your equipment.  With that said, do you think you could design your space-travelling dream home in a matter of 8 weeks?

Rule Number 3.  Streaming TV.

You are allowed to watch streaming television from the comfort of your space pod.  But again, there is a catch.  Due to the high amount of bandwidth required to stream television into deep space, you will only be allowed to have access to three channels.

Which three channels do you choose?  Do you consult your entourage?  Do you have enough of a movie library to last you for 65 years of 3 channel entertainment?

Also keep in mind that the farther you are from Earth, the longer it will take to get the streaming media to you.  Say you launch in 2016, you pick CBS as one of your channels, and in 2035 you are watching the 2025 NCAA Mens Basketball Final Four (also take the leap of assuming that Court Tv has not somehow completely captured the rights to the Final Four).

Let’s not get into food, fuel, or oxygen supply and just assume that NASA got all of that figured out for you.   Let’s take a look at the last rule.  Rule #4.

Rule Number 4.  After 10 years, there is no law precluding you from exiling 1 of your 6 pod mates.

As part of the contract that you really had no choice in signing, you are pointed to an "exile clause."  The exile clause states that after 10 years, you may do away with one of your podmates and release them into deep space.  This obviously is incredibly morbid and absurd, but it is nonetheless in the contract. 

You begin to think to yourself, even if someone got so under your skin due to 10 years of living together in such close quarters, could you ever do this?  Would you ever think of doing this?  Would the situation you are in drive you so crazy that you would begin to think “well, it’s not against the law.”  Also, with nobody else (i.e. law enforcement) able to step in since you are so far far away, who is to say you wouldn’t think of this before the 10 year mark and maybe begin to plot who you would kick out into the vacuum of space?  Would it be plausible to think that everyone would be nice to you since they know you have this power?  Even though some clerk at NASA could be watching you through a camera feed, they would only be seeing what happened a long time before that by the time the video transmission had reached them.  And at best, they could only scold you.

Just thinking about this may be enough to drive you crazy.  Knowing that you would even think these thoughts probably worries you.  Which leads to one last hypothetical inquiry:  does thinking about a situation that may drive you crazy… begin to drive you… crazy?

Action Movies that Will Sell

Up-tempo Rock Music.  Blood.  Guts.  Fire!  Those are the four key ingredients to any good action movie.  But what if we adjust the proportions of each of those ingredients?  For example:  HEAVY METAL.  Blood.  GUTS.  FIRE!!!  Too much adrenaline?  Or is this what a “full throttle” niche in America has been craving all along?  Non-stop action, nitro-fueled steel shredding guitar riffs, babes getting rescued, a hero who can kick just about anyone’s ass, and FIRE!

This is what brings us to the next generation of Action Movies, and the subsequent multi-sequels.  As Rambo, Predator, and Terminator defined a generation of dudes before, comes the Action Movie series of our generation:  EXPLOSION!

EXPLOSION I:  Die Until You’re Dead

What makes an Action Movie great, has a lot to do with how it looks even before it comes out.  The tagline is essential.  The poster design and marketing campaign are neck-and-neck in secondary importance.  If you don’t have an equally bad-ass and dutifully cheesy tagline, you might as well forget going to theaters in the first place.

EXPLOSION II:  The Beast Returns

It is also highly crucial that your sequels are enumerated with Roman Numerals.  The 80’s are over, and the likes of Lethal Weapon and Beverly Hills Cop are behind us.  If you want your box office numbers to swell, then stick with numbers that have stood the test of time.  Also, to further insure the production of more movies, you need to satisfy another key element, in that something needs to come back.  In this case, the tagline to Explosion II reveals that “The Beast” does in fact return.

EXPLOSION III:  Blood Faucet

EXPLOSION IV:  Dead-O-Nation

EXPLOSION V:  Undercover Kill Zone

EXPLOSION VI:  Blood Faucet 2

Once you have established your sequel, it is time to get back to the studio and kick production into high gear.  All great action movie franchises have made too many movies.  Remember, it is all about excess.

EXPLOSION VII:  Rattlesnake Diaries

After you have made too many movies, it is time to make one more.  The notable concept here is that the tagline should get a little softer, and makes a little less sense than its predecessors.  You are now raking in the dough, which is probably a guaranteed 20 million after production costs (which are even more streamlined since you’re still earning off of the first installments of the franchise).  

EXPLOSION VIII:  20 Years Later

EXPLOSION IX:  Sinister Allies

EXPLOSION X:  Blood Wreath:  The Final Showdown

You have now sold the rights to your action movie franchise.  Many years after the last movie you produced, the subject matter and trademarked titles will be reintroduced to a new generation of action movie goers.  The newly assigned producers will usually follow the blueprint laid out by your first 7 action movies, and will definitely do their best to not forget what made your action movies so action-packed.  They will also remember to include “Blood” in the final tagline.

Ned the Narrative

NED

the Narrative

            I fondly remember the first time I took a ride in Ned’s 1989 Buick LeSabre. The car offered a comfortable allotment of legroom, the seats were electronically adjustable, and the interior smelled of cashews. Waking up that morning, I never would have dreamed that I would be joining Ned on this memorable car ride. Upon arriving home from work, I checked my mail, and whilst checking my mailbox I couldn’t help but notice from the corner of my eye, Ned creeping up my block in his geriatric hot rod. We briefly exchanged pleasantries, and I just hopped in. I didn’t know where we were going, and as it turned out, I certainly didn’t know where Ned was capable of taking me.

Ned casually adjusted his rearview mirror, put on his right turn indicator, and we turned right. As soon as the speedometer hit 26 mph, Ned initiated cruise control. He had told me once that his Buick was able to achieve 40 miles to the gallon at this low cruising velocity. I took Ned’s word for it, and embraced my surroundings as they passed by me. It was Autumn.

Ned reached out with an outstretched finger and depressed the ‘on’ button which protruded from the LeSabre’s wood-grain accented stereo console. Public radio commentary spewed from the speakers. With great ease, Ned rotated the treble knob, and reduced the volume to a barely perceptible whisper. I watched Ned in awe as he manned his componentry. Ned looked over to me for a moment, possibly seeking approval. I graciously nodded, and he took my nonverbal compliment in stride.

As we prowled through various local neighborhoods, I noticed Ned’s constant adherence to the “10 and 2” rule. Outside of toggling between several preset AM radio stations, Ned’s hand positioning never wavered. Each impending turn was executed with flawless precision. I peered down upon the matching midnight blue floorboards and noticed several books on tape. Ned noticed that I had noticed his smattering of audio books on cassette, and he slightly crinkled his upper lip. I immediately understood that I had discovered one of Ned’s guilty pleasures.

I saw the wanton look in Ned’s eyes, and purely by deductive assumption, I asked if we may venture a listen to one of these books on tape. Ned earnestly replied, “of course.” To my astonishment, I learned that the first (and later subsequent) audio books were voiced by Ned himself. It was on this day that I learned that my long time LeSabre driving neighbor was also a professional Narrator. I had previously thought he was a man of few words, but after hearing his succulent voice glide through world renown Children’s books, I knew I was in the presence of a true genius.

He made me truly believe that Dumbo could fly, he made me want Pinocchio to become a real boy. He captured all of these things without the previously necessary aid of color illustration. His casual, yet passionate delivery was of a quality I never knew could be achieved. Ned was a talent from a genre I never thought existed.

Sadly, and true to all great experiences, this one also came to an end. Ned eventually dropped me off at my place of residence, and coasted away to his two bedroom apartment in which I now knew reeked of adroit brilliance. That was the last time I saw Ned. He apparently made his millions on audio adaptations of Little Golden Books, and left this 2 LeSabre town behind, but not before leaving me with an invaluable experience in culture and an indelible lesson in life.