The North American Meathead

Treat this introductory passage as if you’re viewing the back of a sports card:

North American Meathead

IQ: 94

Body Fat %: 3.2

Average Pick-up Line:

“Are you listening to Coldplay too? Haha, just kidding, I was listening to Seether!”

Typical Gym Wardrobe: Wife Beater and Wind Pants

Juicebox, Juicehead, Gorilla, Ox, Roidhead, Beefcake, although many a moniker, none is more specifically accurate nor geographically precise than the title of “North American Meathead.”

They slam barbells to the ground nearly as loud as they grunt when lifting them. They keep a four month supply of whey protein in their gym locker. They have the personality of a dust mop. They have perfect teeth, and to top it all off, they “suds up” with Axe body wash and deodorize with body spray.

Now don’t fret if you do one of the above things, the rule of bicep here is one of totality. If you do all of those above things, or display at least 90 percent of the aforementioned characteristics (and you live in North America), you might have cause for concern. You might just be a North American Meathead.

Is it time for a protein shake? Or are you just happy to see me? Anyone who has ever purchased a gym membership knows the type. There’s Vinnie the Vasodilator, Jake the Juicer, and of course, Brock the Block. Yeah, each gym has one.

Highly vascular and half masculine, the North American Meathead has a surplus of distinguishing characteristics. A deep dark tan, tattoos, and hair gel layer the landscape of these barbell behemoths. They are as noticeable as their stereotype is perpetuating.

A perplexing characteristic however, is the incredible ability of the North American Meathead to imbibe incredible amounts of alcohol, yet still maintain such a “cut” physique. In the lexicon of a meathead, you’ll notice re-occurring terms such as: cut, ripped, pumps, nitro, and even the occasional HUURRRGH as they exaggerate a shrugging of their shoulders in one of the many mirrors lining your typical fitness center walls.

Pride and vanity flow from the exterior just as readily as FDA non-approved supplements flow through the interior when regarding the North American Meathead. But let’s get back to the alcohol, for this is what cements the North American Meathead into the driveway of Dude. Just like you and me, the NAMH likes to let loose from time to time with a few brews, wells, rails, and gin tonics. Sometimes just as aggressively, and most of the time, twice as belligerently.

Perhaps it’s the powdered diet that counterbalances the negative aesthetic body shaping consequences of alcohol. When taking lean muscle mass blasters and fat shredders, how can alcohol possibly have a chance to become fattening?  At this point, alcohol is probably the only natural chemical flowing through their body.  But still, the curious observation remains... just how do they keep that skinny-legged, triangle-torsoed figure AND still drunkenly own the dance floor each and every Friday night.  Maybe they burn these excess calories doing fist pumps...

Either way, let's just keep in mind that attending the gym 6 days a week and twice a day is not easy. So before you think that Meatheads are not hardworking individuals, just realize that that is not true. It’s just that they are more narcissistic than you ever will be. They’ll show more results than a mid 90s Bowflex model, and their graphic tees will appear to be vacuum sealed about their chest. But keep this in mind at all times that this is a lifestyle decision. You have your rights and they have theirs, and if you feel like they infringe upon yours, then feel free to let them know.

As the age old adage goes: you should never judge a book by its cover, your local NAMH could even be a nice guy, even if he is constantly bulging, and even if he reeks of cocoa scented tanning butter.